8-24-14 Real Life

Hello Again!

I always like to send an update right before a new chemo treatment--for those of you who pray, I don't want you to forget me!!! Tuesday is THE day. I struggle after each session to NOT keep dreading the next one, but to enjoy the days that I feel good. Gets harder and harder…

In my mind I would like my prayers to be something like this:

Oh, Lord Jehovah, Father of the Universe, Creator of All: Thou knowest what is the best for me and I am totally ready to accept your will. I know it will be-est the greatest thing ever.


In reality, my prayers sound like this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOO, God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Deep,  huh? But as I lay (lie?) there at night, awake and thinking the "What if's" or the "But next…" or the "I can't do this" I become pretty basic in my prayers. Carry me through this next treatment…and the next…and the next… Help the surgeon get every speck of cancer out of my body… Give me a long life after that… It's not fair… I'm jealous of that Grammy getting to spend lots of time with her grand babies .. I am not really trusting God to do what's best. I am pretty sure that I know what's best and that it does not involve me seeing God face to face for years and years…

So, why can't I totally trust God? When I analyze that I believe it is because, deep down, I am doubting the goodness of God. He will do what He wants with no thought to what is best to me--that thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is best for me. 

Here are some verses I found to back up my "God is Good Theory:"

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” -Psalm 145:9


“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” - Psalm 100:5

“And now, O Lord God, you are God, and your words are true, and you have promised this good thing to your servant.” -2 Samuel 7:28

“He says, 'See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands' (Isaiah 49:16).


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." 1 Chron. 16:34

"I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." Psalm 13:6

"Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord, for heis good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 106:1

This is not something I've mastered…in fact, far from it. But, at night when those scary thoughts hit me I have been saying (out loud, or whispering, depending on whether Loy is sleeping!) "God is good. Jesus is good." Sometimes I think it helps to say things out loud so that you actually hear them and they become ingrained in your mind. This is one of those things that my head has believed for quite awhile, but it's harder to get it down to my heart, to the very core of my being. 

This past chemo was much better than the first one. God answered our prayers for that!!! I am so thankful!! For this next time, please pray:

1. That I would continue to get through this with no nausea. 

2.  That I would make it through the hard first 5 days or so. Those days I am fatigued to the utmost and I get lightheaded every time I get up, which makes being home alone tricky!! I'm not sure if it's a result of the chemo or the anti-nausea drugs, but something makes my head spin!!

3. That my blood would stay stronger--it bottoms out at the one week mark. That makes me feel even more fatigued and very susceptible to infections.

4. That I could maintain an appetite again. It's hard to make yourself eat when everything sounds ick! (Want to hear something totally sad? One of the drugs makes it so you cannot taste food properly. I cannot taste chocolate!!!!!! This side effect is supposed to go away when chemo is over--I sure hope so!!)

On a non-cancer-related note, my baby, my Paul, is en route to a new life in Arlington, TX. Out of the blue he got a call from the University of Texas-Arlington offering him a job in the Sports Information Department, which he accepted with much excitement. He will be in charge of stats and press releases and media guides for volleyball and baseball. I have ALWAYS helped him move in to his new apartments (a mad skill that I possess and love to use) but it's killing me that he's on his own this time. I told him he'd be living with boxes for two years. He said, "No, not two years…maybe two months though." 

Thank you to all the people who have brought a meal over or sent me a card or a gift to cheer me up. I appreciate all of you SO MUCH!!! I am terrible at writing thank you's right now and hope you will forgive me if I just give you this shout out instead!!

Here's a picture of me with the little jolly guy! Cartie and Payton came to visit me last week!!

Love,

Kitt.