12-8-14 My Eyes are Up Here--The Post-Op CANCELLED

Hi Friends,

This post is the one that I had thought would be the most helpful...the one that I had searched the internet for when I was trying to prepare for surgery...the one explaining everything about the recovery.

I had plans to say something about how it wasn't that the BIG REVEAL was not that bad...that it was reminiscent of girlhood (at about age 10). It's not. I am thankful for the nurse who told us that the first time you see "It" is the worst it will ever look. But I really don't feel like going into details about what things do look like.

I had plans to tell you how I had 1/4 inch of hair and it was beautiful and curly...I do not have any hair yet. Well, maybe nubs. And, from what I can see of the nubs, it looks...white!!!

I had plans to tell you how I had bounced right back and was back to my normal life within a week...I'm not.

And I had plans to leave you thinking I was Superwoman...I am definitely not. One day I am filled with gratefulness to God that it is all behind me and that, we believe, all cancer is gone. The very next day I am crying because I am tired...tired of feeling tired...tired of not being 100%...tired of not being able to do what I want...tired of feeling sequestered and alone. Reminiscent of the Israelites in the desert, isn't it??

But, I will tell you these things...

1. Pain has continued to be a non-issue. I am numb pretty much from armpit to bottom of ribs. When the drains were pulled I had no idea it was going on. The numbness is from them messing around with nerves, I guess, and should either lessen or disappear completely, but it could take a year.

2. As with any major surgery, I am still tired. I will have an energetic day (well, relatively speaking) and then, the next day, I am exhausted. I still sleep...a lot. I've heard it takes quite awhile to get all the anesthesia out of your system.

3. I have lost some weight--which would be good because chemotherapy added 10 pounds (crazy, huh?)--oh, wait, I just had a bilateral mastectomy...let's think about why I've lost weight...

4. My magnesium was normal last week...the first time in about two months with no IV!!

5. There was (before surgery) a minuscule portion of the tumor remaining, so it was a good thing that surgery was done and they removed everything remaining. Nothing in any lymph nodes.

6. Dear friends came over Saturday and wrapped all my presents. Kids, your presents never looked so good!!!

7. BBC Period dramas are very good time fillers.

8. My taste buds are back!!! I am very thankful for this. The remaining side effects from chemo that I look forward to lessening are tingling in my hands and feet and low energy level.

9. Go get your mammogram and do your self-exams. NOW!!!

10. God has been with me, carrying me, whether I knew it at the time or not. I cannot see how this whole experience...twice...can be what is best for me. But I have to trust that God Knows.

I don't know if I'll get a Christmas card out this year or not. This may be it. If it is, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope you get to see special family and friends. I hope you get the present of your dreams. I hope you feel loved this Christmas. I hope you remember that we are celebrating the birth of God's Son.

Love,

Kitt.

11-25-14 My Eyes are Up Here--The Procedure

Have you ever noticed how people who have "something" done love to talk about it? We go on and on, bringing every subject back to ourselves. We assume that, since we think it's an interesting topic everyone will think it's an interesting topic? Sorry about that!!! If you don't think I'm the most interesting topic, you'd better skip this one!

My day yesterday began at 9:00 when we pulled up to St. Elizabeth's Hospital. If you don't know, Blue Cross/Blue Shield is having major issues with the Catholic Health Initiatives providers and won't pay if you go there. But all my records are there, and they have a better program for breast cancer patients. AND if you jump through about a million hoops and are a cancer patient who has already began treatment through STE, they will give you permission. Which, finally, after many calls to BCBS and conflicting answers on what needed to be done, permission was granted.

Next stop was my short-stay room where I put on a stunning ensemble of pukey lilac paper gown that hooks up to a heater hose. And those gray footie socks are quite the way to top off the outfit!! The nurse got my IV started and gave me some wonderful valium to help me with nerves. I could very easily turn into a drug addict.

Next stop...sentinel node biopsy prep. Let me explain what that means in Kitt's terms...years ago when they did mastectomies it was really a horror story because they had one surgery that they did. They took muscles and about 30 lymph nodes (which run sort of through your muscles under your arms and the removal of them is more painful than the actual mastectomy). That is where you get the stories of women unable to use their arms after surgery or having arms swelling up to elephantine-size.

Now they have discovered that if breast cancer is going to spread to the lymph system it must start with node #1--the sentinel node--before it goes on to node #2 and node #3. However, it's kind of hard to figure out which is the sentinel node because it doesn't look any different and may not be located in the exact same spot for every woman. So you go to radiology and they stick you with 4-6 little shots near the nipple full of radioactivity. It sounds terrible awful, but it's not too bad at all. Little shots and the radiologist has them all done in about 30 seconds and they don't go deep. Then you wait for 30 minutes while this nuclear stuff goes to the sentinel node. Next up is a scan to make sure it's in the lymph system.

During surgery they ran a geiger counter over me to find out which node it is and injected it with a bright blue dye. That way, during surgery, they can SEE which node is the sentinel and remove just that one (or maybe node #2 and #3 also, just for good measure.)

The anesthesiologist made the pre-surgery visit to my suite and I told him, "I tell every anesthesiologist I have that I throw up after surgery. And they always say, 'Oh, I can take care of that.' and I ALWAYS still throw up. Please make it so I don't do that." (He was a few years older than me, if you want a mental image.) He hemmed and hawed and basically said he could not guarantee that. After he left I said, "Boy, that was a downer." But you know what...I never threw up!!! Whatever he did worked like a charm.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:00 but they didn't actually take me back until 2:00. Way to stretch out the suspense!!! I had done pretty well emotionally until the nurse came in and said, "I'm the nurse to take you to surgery." I burst into tears then. She patted me and then began to talk a blue streak to try and get my mind of it. I had calmed down by the time we went into the OR, then one of those nurses said, "Can you tell me what they're doing?" I said, "A bilateral....ma....stec....." and was off crying again. I'm pretty sure the anesthesiologist thought, "Let's get her sedated!!!"

My favorite line of the day...and I think this really happened and it was not part of a dream...the recovery nurse was calling up to tell them I was ready for a room. She said, "It says she's 55-years-old but she looks younger." Yippee!!! I have always thought I looked my age, though. But I'll take whatever compliments I can get!!!

I didn't get to my room until after 6:00 p.m. and then dozed and ate a sandwich and watched some TV. When they have asked me my pain level, I said, "Oh, about a .5." (Yes, you read that right...point five!!!) I have hardly needed the pain pills, taking them only when I want to be sure to sleep. Thank you, God!!! I feel relatively good, which is a very nice surprise.

So, there's my story. I'll send another blog next week covering "The Post-Op." But first I need to have some post-op to talk about!!!



Pray that I can get these two annoying drains out on Monday. They are bulky and gross.

Pray that the pathology report, which should probably be in about Monday, would be good. Just because cancer didn't show up on the MRI, there could still be some small amounts that didn't show up.

Pray I would regain my strength quickly, but not push TOO hard.

11-18-14 My Eyes are Up Here-Prelim

I have thought long and hard about whether to write this blog, the one about my surgery. I am pretty open about everything that happens to me, and have no problem talking about it all with women, but I feel kind of funny about talking about these private parts when I know men read my blog.

So, here's the deal...I will write about my surgery...I will be pretty, kind of, mostly open about it all (women, if you want more detail, just ask me!) Men, you are allowed to read my blog, mostly because you all have a wife, mother, sister, who may have to walk this road at some point. However, you are NOT allowed to post any comments on these blogs. Ever. You are to be silent stalkers of these blogs. Got it?

These are just my opinions and decision making processes--everyone has decisions to make about their own care and they may be 100% different than my decisions. Both can be right...


A couple points to set the stage...

1. The surgery is called a masTectomy, not a massectomy. 
2. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction.  I just have zero interest in having the reconstruction surgery. (Even though one procedure involves taking fat from your tummy and injecting it into your boobs. Really.) I don't know just why it does not interest me. Maybe because I've never been totally happy with "the girls." They've always been a grave disappointment to me. Maybe because I don't want surgery to be any worse than it already will be. Maybe because I don't think the results will look like real bosoms. This is just what I have decided for me.
3. It will involve 1-2 nights in the hospital. That's it. Seems like you should get a week in a spa if you have to endure this. (BTW--I would prefer no visitors during this hospital stay (except Loy, of course. I would like some time to adjust to all this before "going public.")

I have realized that I am not working (not at all) to adjust to the thought of what life will be like bosom-less. I am concerned enough about surgery and just want to get through that. I'll worry about the mental adjustment when it's time. Don't know if that is wise, but that's what I'm doing. I had a dream the other night that I was being prepped for surgery and they were going to have me walk into the operating room. Right before we left the prep area they put a black hood over my head--like the kind they do when they execute someone!!! Creepy!!! We've got to get this surgery in the rear view mirror!!!

My MRI was Monday and it showed...NO CANCER!!! None. Zip. That is the best possible news there could ever be!!! We still do the surgery, just to give me better chance of long-term survival, though. 

Therefore, surgery is scheduled for Monday, unless someone cancels before then--and if they do, their time is mine!!! The doctor says I will be pleasantly surprised at how little discomfort there will be post-op. I have a hard time believing this. There are no restrictions on me and he wants me to move around and be up and about as much as possible afterwards.

Since breast tissue is not like removing a gall bladder, all in a little sac that you remove, it is impossible for doctors to remove every single breast tissue cell. So there is always a chance that some random cell will "turn to the dark side" down the road. But, we will NOT allow that to happen, right???

Insurance is fighting me all the way. They don't want me to go to St. Elizabeth's Hospital (but they DID finally approve it). They didn't think I needed another MRI (I mean, they know better than a doctor, right?) They are disputing the need for additional genetic testing because I had it done six years ago, back when they check two genes. Now they check 25 genes. I keep fighting. 

So, if you want to pray, please pray:

1. That there would be a cancellation this week to get this over with for me!
2. That I would not have too much discomfort post-op.
3. That cancer would be eliminated forever in my body.
4. That my magnesium levels would get back to normal (caused by the chemo being hard on my kidneys--I have had seven magnesium IV's in the past 6 weeks.)
5. That I could regain some strength. I am so wimpy right now!!!!

Thanks!!!

Kitt.

10-29-14 LAST ONE!!!

Well, yesterday was the LAST CHEMO…EVER!!! (I figured I'd play the optimist with that prediction!) It's crazy, but I was more anxious and nervous about this one than any of the past ones. I figure maybe it was because for every single other chemo I have had at least two days where I felt normal and I had zero normal days this time. But, I made it through.

The doctor said she is not sure if she can feel the tumor or if it's just scar tissue (since the tumor was kind of right near the old scar.) I have an MRI scheduled for the 17th (we have to wait a while so this chemo has a chance to work), then I see the doctor on the 18th and have blood work and get cleared for surgery. I go straight to the surgeon after than and he checks me out and then schedules surgery--they said it would probably be the same week!! Then let the real recuperating begin!!

I am waiting for my ride now to go get my $7,500 shot, then will camp out on the couch the rest of the day…errr..week. But I keep thinking, "This is the last time. This is the last time." It's a good feeling. Makes up for the shaky legs and jittery fingers and icky taste in my mouth and light-headedness.

The elder prayer session was very special to me. I sort of hoped I'd feel this burning in my boob which would indicate the tumor was exploding or dying or something, but no… Maybe God chose to work a little more non-dramatically.

That's all for me right now. Just thought I'd share my joy with you!!

Love,

Kitt.

10-23-24 Circle the Wagons

Well, my LAST chemo session is next Tuesday!!!! Yippee!!! I keep thinking, "One week from now, that will be over!" I am so glad to say good bye to this portion of my life! FOREVER!!!

This Sunday the Elders at my church are going to pray over me. I don't always understand just why God's ways work (OK, usually I don't understand the mind of God!) but I know He tells us to have the Elders pray: "Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord." --James 5:14 

And He tells us that: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." --James 5:16

And also: "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." --Matthew 7:7

Or how about this one?  "One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 'There was a judge in a certain city,' he said, 'who neither feared God nor cared about people. A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’

"Then the Lord said, 'Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?'”  --Luke 18:1-8

So, it's kind of a mystery how God decides to answer prayer. Or why we need to ask more than once. But, He says again and again to pray and keep praying and to have others pray. So, I'm taking Him at His word and asking the Elders--and You--to pray for me this Sunday (October 26) at 12:00. 

Here are my prayer requests:

1. That this final chemo on Tuesday, October 28,  would kill, annihilate, obliterate, eliminate, eradicate all the remaining cancer. Or any cells that will ever turn into cancer. Forever.

2. That I would tolerate the final chemo--this last one has been tough. I've had to have two different magnesium IV sessions (not painful--just a bother). Lack of magnesium causes fatigue and muscle weakness. So, I do a little bit then rest. Then do a little bit, then rest. 

3. That surgery would be able to be scheduled in November. That when Dr. Norris does surgery he would be very thorough and skilled. That I would recuperate quickly from surgery--physically and emotionally.

4. That Loy and I would have stamina for the remainder of treatment/surgery. We're tired and worn and beat up. Oh so tired. 

5. I don't want them to pray this one, but probably should add it…that no matter what happens, I will be able to rely on and trust in God's will and goodness. (I don't want to pray this one because it acknowledges that things may not turn out the way I want them to.)

This week was Loy's fall break so we did do a few things…saw the "Alexander" movie, which is really cute--even if you don't take kids. Drove around two state parks to look around--sat on a park bench while Loy checked out the falls. (Falls? In Nebraska???) Ate noodles on top of mashed potatoes on top of toast at a small town cafe and loved every bite of it!

Thank you for all the praying. Thank you for all the cards and gift cards and scarves and earrings and visits and lemon slushes and notebooks and books and DVD's and music CD's you've sent me. I really feel the love!!

Kitt.

10-14-14 Pink Power

He will cover you with his feathers.

    He will shelter you with his wings.

    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

…

I will reward them with a long life.     

 --Psalm 91-ish

This is Post Chemo Week and I've been getting a few emails asking how I'm doing, so it must be time to write something. The trouble is…my life is pretty slow right now. 

I have just one chemo left, praise the Lord!! That will be on October 28. Then I will have scans and, when the doctor deems me fit, will schedule surgery, hopefully before December 1. (I have Blue Cross insurance and I only have until December 1 to have the surgery at STE--after that I have to go to Bryan. I have nothing against Bryan, just that all my stuff and records is at STE.) 

Chemo has gotten progressively worse. Well, let me clarify that. The actual chemo session is no worse. The side effects the following three weeks are what's getting worse. And I guess that is to be expected. The tumor is shrinking, but I had hoped it would be totally annihilated by now and, evidently, it is still there. Just smaller. But, smaller is good… 

What does it feel like to be recovering from chemo? First few days there is lightheadedness--so much that I may take a knee while walking to the kitchen or in the shower. (I only shower when Loy is around those first few days.) Next, I progress on to the worst taste in my mouth that you've ever tasted! After a couple delightful days of that, we move on to feeling like you feel when you're just recovering from a bout of the real influenza. You know what I mean…when you get up to do something incredibly hard like get a drink and you think, "Gee, I've got to go lay down. My legs feel funny." But, thankfully, God made our bodies so they can bounce back and one day (I'm guessing tomorrow) I wake up and think, "Made it." 

I am pretty much totally bald now, which DOES cut off a lot of time in front of the mirror in the mornings. I got one wig--a sporty little red one. Personally, I think I look incredibly cute in it, but it gives me a headache, so I wear it sparingly. Just when I want to go out without strangers looking at me and knowing I am sick. ("Oh, she is so brave to be out!") Usually I do scarves or hats. And, just for the record, bald heads get COLD!!! I mean, just in bed! I figure that maybe by Christmas I may be able to sport just short, short hair. We'll see how fast it comes back in. Hope it's not white…but I'll take care of that if it is!  :)

I sold my car to my sister (for some of her 13 kids). Loy had told me a couple years ago I could get a new car whenever I was ready, but I liked my 10 year old Camry and it was a good car. But, when I got cancer I thought, "Gee…I have CANCER. I'm getting a new car." I was all set on a Prius (but I'm not planning on getting the new car until AFTER chemo is done.) but then put a search into a  website and a sporty little Cadillac came up as my perfect car. I may have to rethink this car thing! I only drive one out of three weeks right now. The first week I'm kind of drugged, so don't drive. Loy thinks I'm kind of spacey and goofy the second week (I beg to differ) but I humor him and don't drive that week either. That leaves me Week #3 to drive, and since he walks to work, it's doable for now. But the car question is consuming my thoughts often these days.

Well, that's about it for me right now. I watch way too much TV and sleep lots. Richard Castle (do you watch that show?) is my new best friend. My dogs are getting fat and lazy sleeping on the couch with me. And I plan trips…constantly. I have a map over the couch and the trips that I've planned with take us years to complete!! This weekend we will head to Sioux Falls for a child dedication of the two cutest kiddoes in the world. 

Kitt Out.

10-5-14 Bum…ba bum…ba bum ba bum ba bum (JAWS theme)

Well, Chemo #5 (out of 6) is fast approaching. And I hear that sinister music pretty much all the time. It's kind of disheartening to just start to feel better and know you have to go in and feel crummy again.

Tuesday I will spend the day in the company of the chemo nurses.

This Chemo cycle has been a little tougher. While I haven't felt TERRIBLE, I haven't bounced back to feeling good. Tired, tired, tired. And my stomach is not feeling right. I shopped one day this week for an hour and fifteen minutes and about died!! I wasn't sure I would make it back to the car!! That shows you how tired I am--unable to shop!

Last weekend I got a bad case of self-pity and pretty much had to make sure I was hydrating--the tears just kept coming. That has passed, thankfully.

If you think of me, could you please pray:

That I wouldn't focus so much on what's coming up as just living today.

That next cycle would go a bit smoother--fast recovery.

That I would not get discouraged.

That every single cancer cell, every single cell that might turn into a cancer cell, would be killed by this chemo. (Actually, the chemo they are giving me does not kill the cancer. It messes with it's DNA making it unable to reproduce.)

I'll update later this week, when I have the energy to type again!  :)

Love,

Kitt.