7-11-14 The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

In my mind I was going to take a break from all this cancer talk and tell you about my sleep study of last night. How interesting it was and how many electrodes were attached to me and how I slept and how I DID NOT SNORE DURING THE SLEEP STUDY. (This makes me a bit suspicious of Loy's reporting of my alleged snoring…maybe he just wants to sleep in the other bedroom!!!) (He says he has a larger sample of my sleep noises, so is not backing down!)

However, today was not a good day. . .

It all began last Wednesday when I was scheduled for a breast MRI and a PET scan. Since surgery was scheduled (bilateral mastectomy) this next Monday, these were precautionary scans just to tell the surgeon how large the tumor was and to make sure the cancer had not moved anywhere else in my body.

THE GOOD NEWS

The cancer does not appear to have spread. YAY! The PET scan is not 100% foolproof, but they only saw one place that was even interesting (other than the cancerous mammary) and that was my lower back. And I have had a bulging disc on and off there for years. The doctor has ordered a bone scan, just to be sure, but at this point no one thinks that is anything to be concerned about. (If it were to have spread there, I don't know as that would change my treatment plan anyway.)

THE BAD NEWS

The MRI says that the tumor is 6 centimeters, sort of going front to back. And it touches the pectoralis (which I guess is the chest wall.) If the surgeon were to take it out right now he would have to remove some of that muscle, which I guess they used to do in the old days, but no more if they can help it.

Now, (boys, cover your eyes for the next few lines) I am a small busted woman. How did I NOT feel something 6 centimeters in there? I have been good at doing self-exams? That is a big regret to me. I feel like I should've been more diligent, more observant.

FYI: 6 centimeters = 2.3622 inches

THE UGLY

So…here's the new plan. Surgery is postponed. Monday I will go to the hospital, be injected for my bone scan, have a port placement, then have my bone scan. Thursday we will begin chemotherapy. It's all the same components that were planned before, just in a different order. The thinking is that the chemotherapy will shrink the tumor so it is not near my chest wall anymore so it can be removed more easily. (Good news: it is just touching the chest wall, it does not appear to be attached to the chest wall.)

This is really bothering me. I think because I had psyched myself all up for the old plan and now it's different. And because it's different because it's so large. And because when you have this mother-lode of a tumor, you want it out--NOW.

This next part will be very medical, so you can skip it if you want. Some people might be interested though:

Chemo will be cisplatin (possible side effects: vomiting, altered pottying, anemia, hair loss, hearing changes, change in taste, numbness and tingling in extremities) and Docetaxel (possible side effects: anemia, allergic reaction, fluid retention, hair loss, fatigue, mouth sores, rash and itchy skin, numbness and tingling in extremities, color changes in nails.) Sounds delightful, right?

And the chemo session…EIGHT HOURS!!!!! Can you even imagine???? The first drug messes with your kidneys, so you have to sit there and have three bags of fluid before they'll even start that one.

It will be every three weeks for six sessions, so we figure we'll probably be done around Halloween. Then there will be 2-4 weeks to recuperate, then the surgery sometime around Thanksgiving.

I dread it all. Really.

I went and got my hair cut super short today so that the hair loss will be a little less traumatic and I'll go and have it shaved in a couple weeks, moving to scarves and wigs.

So, if you think of me on Thursday, please pray that I would not have any nausea from chemotherapy (I prayed that last time and God miraculously kept me from ever getting sick.) Pray I can withstand all six treatments and that this monster tumor (at least in my eyes!) would shrink rapidly and shrink down to next to nothing.

I should end with something funny but, honestly, I'm not feeling it tonight. I am feeling discouraged, scared, mad, sad, and defeated. It just doesn't seem fair. (Not that I wish this on anyone else ever.)

But, you know what? The sun will come out tomorrow and I probably will feel somewhat better and more optimistic. And I've got a million things to do before Monday and before Thursday, so I'll be busy until then.

There's an old (kind of old) song that says, "When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." I can't see why God would do this to us. But, I know He loves me.

"For each day He carries us in His arms." Ps. 68:19b

Wish I was here!!!!!