12-20-2014 Choosing a New Bosom

I have discovered that navigating through the new world of "mastectomy things to know" is not always straight forward. You hear certain things from one doctor (but I've heard others hear different things from their doctors) regarding PT, what to wear, when to remove drains, recovery time, etcetera.

But, when you really want to get the Skinny, you go to the Bosom Buddies--the women who have had a mastectomy. We all share everything we learn and that's where you get the informative, good stuff.

I have a friend who is about six weeks ahead of me in the mastectomy biz. She had a single, but there is still lots to learn from her. She had told me that she wasn't going to go get her prostheses and special bras until about February. Evidently we need several months to really heal and having things pressing on and rubbing tender chest incisions would not be good. So, I was OK with that.

But...then I got to thinking about my insurance. I have more than met my deductible this year and wouldn't it be nice to get my insurance-paid bras this year, then get more next year???? So I called the home healthcare supplier. They were wonderful!!

Teri got me in that same day for a measuring. And this is what they told me..."We'll get you four bras to take home today (I can't believe my insurance pays for four per year!!!) and you can try them on when you're ready in January or February. If they don't fit, bring them back and exchange them."

Two different employees there told me, "Since you had a bilateral mastectomy, the sky is the limit on what size prostheses you choose!" Really? Do women really amp up their bust like this? Can you picture me like this:

No, I couldn't either. I don't want anything that is going to make people stare at my chest!!! I already figure they'll be doing just what I used to do..."Oh, she had a mastectomy. Which side was it on?" (Because you will have forgotten that I had a bilateral.)

We decided on a size 5 (why prostheses can't come in A-B-C-D like the bras, I don't know.) She pulled out two different brands. The first one was good, looked about right, and she said when people hugged me it would feel real. The second one...well, it was lighter but it looked kind of like the size of a coconut!!! I held it up and it covered about half my chest!! I said, "No way! This one will not do!" She took it away and started putting it in the box. Then she said, "Oh, that's not a size 5, it was a size 8!" We went with the first one...

So, I am all set. Just waiting to feel healed up. Which everyone tells me is coming along wonderfully, but I feel like it's taking forever!! It's only been 3-1/2 weeks, so I guess that's not long. But I want to get back to my regular life...whatever that is.

My surgical drains were removed about 10 days post surgery. I want to emphasize that I followed the doctors orders on when they were ready to be removed. I did NOT cheat!! But now I am having problems with fluid accumulating near the surgical sites. So I have been in four different times to have them drained. This involves a needle and syringe. It sounds terrible, but luckily I am still numb, so I don't feel a thing. But it does become a nuisance, messing up my schedule. If you think of me, please pray that this fluid would stop. Especially because Loy and I are planning a weeklong vacation right after the new year.

Off topic...my little sweet Paytootie sort of likes the attention she gets when she is sick. The sickbed on the couch, the cartoons, the snacks being delivered right to you. So, last week when her brother was sick she was pretty sure she was sick too. Angela said, "Where are you sick?" Her brilliant answer? "My lips." I hate it when I get those sick lips!!! :)

No Christmas cards this year from me. Sorry, I just don't have it in me right now. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and that you get to hug your family and friends!

Love,

Kitt.

12-8-14 My Eyes are Up Here--The Post-Op CANCELLED

Hi Friends,

This post is the one that I had thought would be the most helpful...the one that I had searched the internet for when I was trying to prepare for surgery...the one explaining everything about the recovery.

I had plans to say something about how it wasn't that the BIG REVEAL was not that bad...that it was reminiscent of girlhood (at about age 10). It's not. I am thankful for the nurse who told us that the first time you see "It" is the worst it will ever look. But I really don't feel like going into details about what things do look like.

I had plans to tell you how I had 1/4 inch of hair and it was beautiful and curly...I do not have any hair yet. Well, maybe nubs. And, from what I can see of the nubs, it looks...white!!!

I had plans to tell you how I had bounced right back and was back to my normal life within a week...I'm not.

And I had plans to leave you thinking I was Superwoman...I am definitely not. One day I am filled with gratefulness to God that it is all behind me and that, we believe, all cancer is gone. The very next day I am crying because I am tired...tired of feeling tired...tired of not being 100%...tired of not being able to do what I want...tired of feeling sequestered and alone. Reminiscent of the Israelites in the desert, isn't it??

But, I will tell you these things...

1. Pain has continued to be a non-issue. I am numb pretty much from armpit to bottom of ribs. When the drains were pulled I had no idea it was going on. The numbness is from them messing around with nerves, I guess, and should either lessen or disappear completely, but it could take a year.

2. As with any major surgery, I am still tired. I will have an energetic day (well, relatively speaking) and then, the next day, I am exhausted. I still sleep...a lot. I've heard it takes quite awhile to get all the anesthesia out of your system.

3. I have lost some weight--which would be good because chemotherapy added 10 pounds (crazy, huh?)--oh, wait, I just had a bilateral mastectomy...let's think about why I've lost weight...

4. My magnesium was normal last week...the first time in about two months with no IV!!

5. There was (before surgery) a minuscule portion of the tumor remaining, so it was a good thing that surgery was done and they removed everything remaining. Nothing in any lymph nodes.

6. Dear friends came over Saturday and wrapped all my presents. Kids, your presents never looked so good!!!

7. BBC Period dramas are very good time fillers.

8. My taste buds are back!!! I am very thankful for this. The remaining side effects from chemo that I look forward to lessening are tingling in my hands and feet and low energy level.

9. Go get your mammogram and do your self-exams. NOW!!!

10. God has been with me, carrying me, whether I knew it at the time or not. I cannot see how this whole experience...twice...can be what is best for me. But I have to trust that God Knows.

I don't know if I'll get a Christmas card out this year or not. This may be it. If it is, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope you get to see special family and friends. I hope you get the present of your dreams. I hope you feel loved this Christmas. I hope you remember that we are celebrating the birth of God's Son.

Love,

Kitt.

11-25-14 My Eyes are Up Here--The Procedure

Have you ever noticed how people who have "something" done love to talk about it? We go on and on, bringing every subject back to ourselves. We assume that, since we think it's an interesting topic everyone will think it's an interesting topic? Sorry about that!!! If you don't think I'm the most interesting topic, you'd better skip this one!

My day yesterday began at 9:00 when we pulled up to St. Elizabeth's Hospital. If you don't know, Blue Cross/Blue Shield is having major issues with the Catholic Health Initiatives providers and won't pay if you go there. But all my records are there, and they have a better program for breast cancer patients. AND if you jump through about a million hoops and are a cancer patient who has already began treatment through STE, they will give you permission. Which, finally, after many calls to BCBS and conflicting answers on what needed to be done, permission was granted.

Next stop was my short-stay room where I put on a stunning ensemble of pukey lilac paper gown that hooks up to a heater hose. And those gray footie socks are quite the way to top off the outfit!! The nurse got my IV started and gave me some wonderful valium to help me with nerves. I could very easily turn into a drug addict.

Next stop...sentinel node biopsy prep. Let me explain what that means in Kitt's terms...years ago when they did mastectomies it was really a horror story because they had one surgery that they did. They took muscles and about 30 lymph nodes (which run sort of through your muscles under your arms and the removal of them is more painful than the actual mastectomy). That is where you get the stories of women unable to use their arms after surgery or having arms swelling up to elephantine-size.

Now they have discovered that if breast cancer is going to spread to the lymph system it must start with node #1--the sentinel node--before it goes on to node #2 and node #3. However, it's kind of hard to figure out which is the sentinel node because it doesn't look any different and may not be located in the exact same spot for every woman. So you go to radiology and they stick you with 4-6 little shots near the nipple full of radioactivity. It sounds terrible awful, but it's not too bad at all. Little shots and the radiologist has them all done in about 30 seconds and they don't go deep. Then you wait for 30 minutes while this nuclear stuff goes to the sentinel node. Next up is a scan to make sure it's in the lymph system.

During surgery they ran a geiger counter over me to find out which node it is and injected it with a bright blue dye. That way, during surgery, they can SEE which node is the sentinel and remove just that one (or maybe node #2 and #3 also, just for good measure.)

The anesthesiologist made the pre-surgery visit to my suite and I told him, "I tell every anesthesiologist I have that I throw up after surgery. And they always say, 'Oh, I can take care of that.' and I ALWAYS still throw up. Please make it so I don't do that." (He was a few years older than me, if you want a mental image.) He hemmed and hawed and basically said he could not guarantee that. After he left I said, "Boy, that was a downer." But you know what...I never threw up!!! Whatever he did worked like a charm.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:00 but they didn't actually take me back until 2:00. Way to stretch out the suspense!!! I had done pretty well emotionally until the nurse came in and said, "I'm the nurse to take you to surgery." I burst into tears then. She patted me and then began to talk a blue streak to try and get my mind of it. I had calmed down by the time we went into the OR, then one of those nurses said, "Can you tell me what they're doing?" I said, "A bilateral....ma....stec....." and was off crying again. I'm pretty sure the anesthesiologist thought, "Let's get her sedated!!!"

My favorite line of the day...and I think this really happened and it was not part of a dream...the recovery nurse was calling up to tell them I was ready for a room. She said, "It says she's 55-years-old but she looks younger." Yippee!!! I have always thought I looked my age, though. But I'll take whatever compliments I can get!!!

I didn't get to my room until after 6:00 p.m. and then dozed and ate a sandwich and watched some TV. When they have asked me my pain level, I said, "Oh, about a .5." (Yes, you read that right...point five!!!) I have hardly needed the pain pills, taking them only when I want to be sure to sleep. Thank you, God!!! I feel relatively good, which is a very nice surprise.

So, there's my story. I'll send another blog next week covering "The Post-Op." But first I need to have some post-op to talk about!!!



Pray that I can get these two annoying drains out on Monday. They are bulky and gross.

Pray that the pathology report, which should probably be in about Monday, would be good. Just because cancer didn't show up on the MRI, there could still be some small amounts that didn't show up.

Pray I would regain my strength quickly, but not push TOO hard.

11-18-14 My Eyes are Up Here-Prelim

I have thought long and hard about whether to write this blog, the one about my surgery. I am pretty open about everything that happens to me, and have no problem talking about it all with women, but I feel kind of funny about talking about these private parts when I know men read my blog.

So, here's the deal...I will write about my surgery...I will be pretty, kind of, mostly open about it all (women, if you want more detail, just ask me!) Men, you are allowed to read my blog, mostly because you all have a wife, mother, sister, who may have to walk this road at some point. However, you are NOT allowed to post any comments on these blogs. Ever. You are to be silent stalkers of these blogs. Got it?

These are just my opinions and decision making processes--everyone has decisions to make about their own care and they may be 100% different than my decisions. Both can be right...


A couple points to set the stage...

1. The surgery is called a masTectomy, not a massectomy. 
2. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction.  I just have zero interest in having the reconstruction surgery. (Even though one procedure involves taking fat from your tummy and injecting it into your boobs. Really.) I don't know just why it does not interest me. Maybe because I've never been totally happy with "the girls." They've always been a grave disappointment to me. Maybe because I don't want surgery to be any worse than it already will be. Maybe because I don't think the results will look like real bosoms. This is just what I have decided for me.
3. It will involve 1-2 nights in the hospital. That's it. Seems like you should get a week in a spa if you have to endure this. (BTW--I would prefer no visitors during this hospital stay (except Loy, of course. I would like some time to adjust to all this before "going public.")

I have realized that I am not working (not at all) to adjust to the thought of what life will be like bosom-less. I am concerned enough about surgery and just want to get through that. I'll worry about the mental adjustment when it's time. Don't know if that is wise, but that's what I'm doing. I had a dream the other night that I was being prepped for surgery and they were going to have me walk into the operating room. Right before we left the prep area they put a black hood over my head--like the kind they do when they execute someone!!! Creepy!!! We've got to get this surgery in the rear view mirror!!!

My MRI was Monday and it showed...NO CANCER!!! None. Zip. That is the best possible news there could ever be!!! We still do the surgery, just to give me better chance of long-term survival, though. 

Therefore, surgery is scheduled for Monday, unless someone cancels before then--and if they do, their time is mine!!! The doctor says I will be pleasantly surprised at how little discomfort there will be post-op. I have a hard time believing this. There are no restrictions on me and he wants me to move around and be up and about as much as possible afterwards.

Since breast tissue is not like removing a gall bladder, all in a little sac that you remove, it is impossible for doctors to remove every single breast tissue cell. So there is always a chance that some random cell will "turn to the dark side" down the road. But, we will NOT allow that to happen, right???

Insurance is fighting me all the way. They don't want me to go to St. Elizabeth's Hospital (but they DID finally approve it). They didn't think I needed another MRI (I mean, they know better than a doctor, right?) They are disputing the need for additional genetic testing because I had it done six years ago, back when they check two genes. Now they check 25 genes. I keep fighting. 

So, if you want to pray, please pray:

1. That there would be a cancellation this week to get this over with for me!
2. That I would not have too much discomfort post-op.
3. That cancer would be eliminated forever in my body.
4. That my magnesium levels would get back to normal (caused by the chemo being hard on my kidneys--I have had seven magnesium IV's in the past 6 weeks.)
5. That I could regain some strength. I am so wimpy right now!!!!

Thanks!!!

Kitt.

10-29-14 LAST ONE!!!

Well, yesterday was the LAST CHEMO…EVER!!! (I figured I'd play the optimist with that prediction!) It's crazy, but I was more anxious and nervous about this one than any of the past ones. I figure maybe it was because for every single other chemo I have had at least two days where I felt normal and I had zero normal days this time. But, I made it through.

The doctor said she is not sure if she can feel the tumor or if it's just scar tissue (since the tumor was kind of right near the old scar.) I have an MRI scheduled for the 17th (we have to wait a while so this chemo has a chance to work), then I see the doctor on the 18th and have blood work and get cleared for surgery. I go straight to the surgeon after than and he checks me out and then schedules surgery--they said it would probably be the same week!! Then let the real recuperating begin!!

I am waiting for my ride now to go get my $7,500 shot, then will camp out on the couch the rest of the day…errr..week. But I keep thinking, "This is the last time. This is the last time." It's a good feeling. Makes up for the shaky legs and jittery fingers and icky taste in my mouth and light-headedness.

The elder prayer session was very special to me. I sort of hoped I'd feel this burning in my boob which would indicate the tumor was exploding or dying or something, but no… Maybe God chose to work a little more non-dramatically.

That's all for me right now. Just thought I'd share my joy with you!!

Love,

Kitt.

10-23-24 Circle the Wagons

Well, my LAST chemo session is next Tuesday!!!! Yippee!!! I keep thinking, "One week from now, that will be over!" I am so glad to say good bye to this portion of my life! FOREVER!!!

This Sunday the Elders at my church are going to pray over me. I don't always understand just why God's ways work (OK, usually I don't understand the mind of God!) but I know He tells us to have the Elders pray: "Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord." --James 5:14 

And He tells us that: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." --James 5:16

And also: "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." --Matthew 7:7

Or how about this one?  "One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 'There was a judge in a certain city,' he said, 'who neither feared God nor cared about people. A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’

"Then the Lord said, 'Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?'”  --Luke 18:1-8

So, it's kind of a mystery how God decides to answer prayer. Or why we need to ask more than once. But, He says again and again to pray and keep praying and to have others pray. So, I'm taking Him at His word and asking the Elders--and You--to pray for me this Sunday (October 26) at 12:00. 

Here are my prayer requests:

1. That this final chemo on Tuesday, October 28,  would kill, annihilate, obliterate, eliminate, eradicate all the remaining cancer. Or any cells that will ever turn into cancer. Forever.

2. That I would tolerate the final chemo--this last one has been tough. I've had to have two different magnesium IV sessions (not painful--just a bother). Lack of magnesium causes fatigue and muscle weakness. So, I do a little bit then rest. Then do a little bit, then rest. 

3. That surgery would be able to be scheduled in November. That when Dr. Norris does surgery he would be very thorough and skilled. That I would recuperate quickly from surgery--physically and emotionally.

4. That Loy and I would have stamina for the remainder of treatment/surgery. We're tired and worn and beat up. Oh so tired. 

5. I don't want them to pray this one, but probably should add it…that no matter what happens, I will be able to rely on and trust in God's will and goodness. (I don't want to pray this one because it acknowledges that things may not turn out the way I want them to.)

This week was Loy's fall break so we did do a few things…saw the "Alexander" movie, which is really cute--even if you don't take kids. Drove around two state parks to look around--sat on a park bench while Loy checked out the falls. (Falls? In Nebraska???) Ate noodles on top of mashed potatoes on top of toast at a small town cafe and loved every bite of it!

Thank you for all the praying. Thank you for all the cards and gift cards and scarves and earrings and visits and lemon slushes and notebooks and books and DVD's and music CD's you've sent me. I really feel the love!!

Kitt.

10-14-14 Pink Power

He will cover you with his feathers.

    He will shelter you with his wings.

    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

…

I will reward them with a long life.     

 --Psalm 91-ish

This is Post Chemo Week and I've been getting a few emails asking how I'm doing, so it must be time to write something. The trouble is…my life is pretty slow right now. 

I have just one chemo left, praise the Lord!! That will be on October 28. Then I will have scans and, when the doctor deems me fit, will schedule surgery, hopefully before December 1. (I have Blue Cross insurance and I only have until December 1 to have the surgery at STE--after that I have to go to Bryan. I have nothing against Bryan, just that all my stuff and records is at STE.) 

Chemo has gotten progressively worse. Well, let me clarify that. The actual chemo session is no worse. The side effects the following three weeks are what's getting worse. And I guess that is to be expected. The tumor is shrinking, but I had hoped it would be totally annihilated by now and, evidently, it is still there. Just smaller. But, smaller is good… 

What does it feel like to be recovering from chemo? First few days there is lightheadedness--so much that I may take a knee while walking to the kitchen or in the shower. (I only shower when Loy is around those first few days.) Next, I progress on to the worst taste in my mouth that you've ever tasted! After a couple delightful days of that, we move on to feeling like you feel when you're just recovering from a bout of the real influenza. You know what I mean…when you get up to do something incredibly hard like get a drink and you think, "Gee, I've got to go lay down. My legs feel funny." But, thankfully, God made our bodies so they can bounce back and one day (I'm guessing tomorrow) I wake up and think, "Made it." 

I am pretty much totally bald now, which DOES cut off a lot of time in front of the mirror in the mornings. I got one wig--a sporty little red one. Personally, I think I look incredibly cute in it, but it gives me a headache, so I wear it sparingly. Just when I want to go out without strangers looking at me and knowing I am sick. ("Oh, she is so brave to be out!") Usually I do scarves or hats. And, just for the record, bald heads get COLD!!! I mean, just in bed! I figure that maybe by Christmas I may be able to sport just short, short hair. We'll see how fast it comes back in. Hope it's not white…but I'll take care of that if it is!  :)

I sold my car to my sister (for some of her 13 kids). Loy had told me a couple years ago I could get a new car whenever I was ready, but I liked my 10 year old Camry and it was a good car. But, when I got cancer I thought, "Gee…I have CANCER. I'm getting a new car." I was all set on a Prius (but I'm not planning on getting the new car until AFTER chemo is done.) but then put a search into a  website and a sporty little Cadillac came up as my perfect car. I may have to rethink this car thing! I only drive one out of three weeks right now. The first week I'm kind of drugged, so don't drive. Loy thinks I'm kind of spacey and goofy the second week (I beg to differ) but I humor him and don't drive that week either. That leaves me Week #3 to drive, and since he walks to work, it's doable for now. But the car question is consuming my thoughts often these days.

Well, that's about it for me right now. I watch way too much TV and sleep lots. Richard Castle (do you watch that show?) is my new best friend. My dogs are getting fat and lazy sleeping on the couch with me. And I plan trips…constantly. I have a map over the couch and the trips that I've planned with take us years to complete!! This weekend we will head to Sioux Falls for a child dedication of the two cutest kiddoes in the world. 

Kitt Out.

10-5-14 Bum…ba bum…ba bum ba bum ba bum (JAWS theme)

Well, Chemo #5 (out of 6) is fast approaching. And I hear that sinister music pretty much all the time. It's kind of disheartening to just start to feel better and know you have to go in and feel crummy again.

Tuesday I will spend the day in the company of the chemo nurses.

This Chemo cycle has been a little tougher. While I haven't felt TERRIBLE, I haven't bounced back to feeling good. Tired, tired, tired. And my stomach is not feeling right. I shopped one day this week for an hour and fifteen minutes and about died!! I wasn't sure I would make it back to the car!! That shows you how tired I am--unable to shop!

Last weekend I got a bad case of self-pity and pretty much had to make sure I was hydrating--the tears just kept coming. That has passed, thankfully.

If you think of me, could you please pray:

That I wouldn't focus so much on what's coming up as just living today.

That next cycle would go a bit smoother--fast recovery.

That I would not get discouraged.

That every single cancer cell, every single cell that might turn into a cancer cell, would be killed by this chemo. (Actually, the chemo they are giving me does not kill the cancer. It messes with it's DNA making it unable to reproduce.)

I'll update later this week, when I have the energy to type again!  :)

Love,

Kitt.

9-17-14 Chemo Day #4

"Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come." -- Psalm 71:3

I decided to let you into the secret world of a Chemo Day--in pictures!!

Anna made me two beautiful pillowcases for my couch pillow. You can also notice my wig, courtesy of the American Cancer Society. However, it kind of gives me a headache, so had to change to a comfy scarf for this day!

Chemo #4 About to begin

The happening place--Party Central.

Skipped the weighing me step--some things remain private!! Here she is accessing my port, the implanted device that they push all the drugs through. That means one stick, and it's pre-numbed with magical cream so I don't even feel that.

BP time.

Talking to the nurse, pre chemo.

Now, to the PA.

This is "The Bullpen" where some people get their chemo. I use this when I just need a shorter time, say of fluids, but prefer my own room for when we're doing the 8 hour day!

Waiting for chemo to start, talking on the phone.

One drug can cause peripheral neuropathy (numbness, tingling, pain in feet and hands). To help combat this they put ice packs on hands and feet during the time that is administered. 

Anna went and got lunch from Braeda.

Cookie from lunch--Q for Queen, obviously

 Nap time. I woke myself up with a terrible, awful snore. My first words to Anna? "That was not snoring." I'm not sure just what it was, though!  :)

The reason chemo takes so long is that one drug causes bad stuff to happen in your kidneys, so they give me three bags of fluids through out the day to flush it out of there. The result? Lots of trips to the potty, taking all my drugs with me.

No cameras in here, please!! 

This is the high tech IV pole that administers multiple meds at one time. 

Anna, my Chemo Buddy and I at the end of the day.

Song of the week, sent to me by Natalie:

Victor's Crown

http://youtu.be/_2nBOGA6X2g

Tumor is down to 1 x 1.5 cm now!! YAY!!! Of course, that is just the manual measurement, so it is not as accurate as if they were doing monthly MRI's, but it gets harder and harder for her to find it each time. I had to point out about where it is before she felt it this time. 

And today I am feeling much better than last week one day after chemo. But, I think it is time for a nap now--no one is here to tell me if I snore!

Love, 

Kitt.

9-13-14 Next Week Looms...

"O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

Good morning!

I've been feeling really good this week--almost normal again (except for the severe compulsion to take a 2-3 hour nap each afternoon!) But, whenever I start to feel this good…next week looms. It's a true case of living life in the now…not worrying about tomorrow.

A couple things I forgot to tell you last time…

TUMOR REPORT

When I first was diagnosed, this tumor measured 6 cm. x 6 cm. (Yes, I know, don't ask me how I missed that in my self-exams!!) That was determined by the MRI. During treatment I have a little mini-exam before each chemo session and they manually measure. Here are the statistics:

7-2014        6 cm.             MRI

8-6-2014     2 x 3.5 cm     Manually measured

8-27-2014   1.5 x 3 cm     The doctor said if she didn't know there was a tumor there and where it was, she would not have been able to feel it!!!!! YAY!!!

So, I am hopeful it will be gone next Tuesday!! Totally!! Wouldn't that be wonderful? That is what the doctor's goal is--that is called something like a complete pathological response, which means it totally responded to chemotherapy and vanished. We still would finish all the chemo sessions--to make sure every cell that is cancerous is dead. And we still will go ahead with surgery when chemo is complete, but it would be so nice to have it all gone now. Before surgery the surgeon will ask for another MRI so he can know exactly what he's dealing with and where it is. We want that one to be clear.

The second thing I forgot to tell you last time is that I was reading a book that dealt with just Triple Negative cancer. It was written by a professor from the University of Iowa who was diagnosed with this form of breast cancer a few years ago. She cites statistics saying that if you have a complete pathological response followed by surgery there is a 90% statistical probability that the cancer will NOT return. Now, I am married to a business professor who works with statistics a lot. I know people can interpret statistics to serve their own purposes, but so much of what you read about Triple Negative is very depressing…"aggressive," "high rate of recurrence," "higher mortality rate." It was nice to read something encouraging. I am choosing to believe this statistic.

My life is dictated by the chemo cycle right now. Week #1--Lay on the couch and sleep. Wait for time to pass. Eat meals on the couch. Week #2--Perk up a bit. Rejoin Loy at the supper table. Help with the cooking. Week #3--Whooppee!!! Live it up!! Drive places!! Shop!!

This week I was so stir crazy I had four different things planned. Monday evening: art class provided by the hospital to cancer survivors. It was free, so I went. I do not have an artistic bone in my body, but it was a lot of fun. We made fused glass pendants--I probably did about ten of them. They are being fired in the kiln now, but we'll see if any of them turned out wearable!!  Tuesday evening: Bible study reunion. The girls came and we all drank lemon slushes and talked about what's been happening during the last four months. Incredibly fun. Wednesday evening: make up class put on by the American Cancer Society. I've never worn tons of make up but wanted to learn how to do eyeliner (in case my eyelashes fall out) and had heard about the terrific gift bag of high end make up they give you. It was a good evening also. Then Thursday it was time for my massage (I get one each week before chemo. Thank you, Loy!!!) What a great week!!

So, if you're a praying person, would you please pray for these things:

1. That a the tumor would be gone.
2. That I would not get so light headed the week following chemo.
3. That every single cell that is cancerous or will turn to cancer would be killed.
4. That I would not let my mind wander to worse case scenarios--that happens especially at night before I fall asleep.

This song has been around for a few years, but even during Week #1 I do a little dance when I hear it (really, I do!!) (Dolores, click on the word "Overcomer" below to hear the song!)  :)

Overcomer

Thank you all!!

Kitt Out.

On a day when I'm feeling blue I get a picture like this. What terrific medicine this is!! Payton now calls them "Payts and Carts." I love these little monkeys!!!

9-6-14 Get ready to be Loved!!

Here's the picture of me heading off to Chemo #3. And, for my photographer brother, I know that Luke's picture makes it look like I have feathers coming off my head--I liked it that way!!! Made me feel kind of like the Statue of Liberty!

So, I am halfway done. I know I should be feeling this great sense of accomplishment. What I feel is disheartened because I have to go through this three more times. Sometimes it just feels like more than I can do. I have to remember that it IS more than I can do. God will sustain me and carry me.

Last Tuesday I went in for my post-chemo neulasta shot, which is the shot that encourages my blood to become strong again. (For your own information, six years ago they could do that shot at the end of chemotherapy, but the insurance company has determined that it is better to make a patient come in the next day. Just 'cuz, I guess.) They called me back for the shot and the nurse said, "Any side effects?" I had never mentioned my light headedness to the office, figuring it was a normal side effect. But, this time I said, "Oh, I'm a little dizzy." The nurse said, "Since you're here do you want me to take your blood pressure?" I agreed, since I was there. She took it and its was 80/40!! (Normal is about 120/80!) She said, "I'm going to have to talk to a doctor." I had to have two liters of fluid, which took about two hours, but I sure felt better when it was done.

Dealing with Chemo Tip:   I think I told you before that I had my head shaved during Week #1 - Post Chemo. It was pretty short, but I still had nubs. Until Week #3 - Post Chemo, when quite a few of the nubs took loose and fell out. But not all. Then during Week #3 - Post Chemo #2 more nubs fell out. But not all. It would look better if they just ALL fell out. But I couldn't get them to let loose. So, here's my neat idea for getting that totally skinhead look--duct tape. I put duct tape on my nubs and then pulled. Got quite a few of those babies, too!  :) Next week is Week #3 - Post Chemo #3. We'll see if the last hangers-on come out.

I've been reading various cancer books and twice in the past week I have seen a quote to the effect that once you are diagnosed with cancer, "Be prepared to be loved." I have found that to be so true. I get encouraging emails and cards almost every day--and I love every single one of them. When I go to church I feel like a rock star! People tell me they are praying for me all the time. It really DOES make you realize how blessed you are with friends!!

Have a great weekend!!

Love,

Kitt.

8-24-14 Real Life

Hello Again!

I always like to send an update right before a new chemo treatment--for those of you who pray, I don't want you to forget me!!! Tuesday is THE day. I struggle after each session to NOT keep dreading the next one, but to enjoy the days that I feel good. Gets harder and harder…

In my mind I would like my prayers to be something like this:

Oh, Lord Jehovah, Father of the Universe, Creator of All: Thou knowest what is the best for me and I am totally ready to accept your will. I know it will be-est the greatest thing ever.


In reality, my prayers sound like this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOO, God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Deep,  huh? But as I lay (lie?) there at night, awake and thinking the "What if's" or the "But next…" or the "I can't do this" I become pretty basic in my prayers. Carry me through this next treatment…and the next…and the next… Help the surgeon get every speck of cancer out of my body… Give me a long life after that… It's not fair… I'm jealous of that Grammy getting to spend lots of time with her grand babies .. I am not really trusting God to do what's best. I am pretty sure that I know what's best and that it does not involve me seeing God face to face for years and years…

So, why can't I totally trust God? When I analyze that I believe it is because, deep down, I am doubting the goodness of God. He will do what He wants with no thought to what is best to me--that thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is best for me. 

Here are some verses I found to back up my "God is Good Theory:"

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” -Psalm 145:9


“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” - Psalm 100:5

“And now, O Lord God, you are God, and your words are true, and you have promised this good thing to your servant.” -2 Samuel 7:28

“He says, 'See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands' (Isaiah 49:16).


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." 1 Chron. 16:34

"I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." Psalm 13:6

"Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord, for heis good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 106:1

This is not something I've mastered…in fact, far from it. But, at night when those scary thoughts hit me I have been saying (out loud, or whispering, depending on whether Loy is sleeping!) "God is good. Jesus is good." Sometimes I think it helps to say things out loud so that you actually hear them and they become ingrained in your mind. This is one of those things that my head has believed for quite awhile, but it's harder to get it down to my heart, to the very core of my being. 

This past chemo was much better than the first one. God answered our prayers for that!!! I am so thankful!! For this next time, please pray:

1. That I would continue to get through this with no nausea. 

2.  That I would make it through the hard first 5 days or so. Those days I am fatigued to the utmost and I get lightheaded every time I get up, which makes being home alone tricky!! I'm not sure if it's a result of the chemo or the anti-nausea drugs, but something makes my head spin!!

3. That my blood would stay stronger--it bottoms out at the one week mark. That makes me feel even more fatigued and very susceptible to infections.

4. That I could maintain an appetite again. It's hard to make yourself eat when everything sounds ick! (Want to hear something totally sad? One of the drugs makes it so you cannot taste food properly. I cannot taste chocolate!!!!!! This side effect is supposed to go away when chemo is over--I sure hope so!!)

On a non-cancer-related note, my baby, my Paul, is en route to a new life in Arlington, TX. Out of the blue he got a call from the University of Texas-Arlington offering him a job in the Sports Information Department, which he accepted with much excitement. He will be in charge of stats and press releases and media guides for volleyball and baseball. I have ALWAYS helped him move in to his new apartments (a mad skill that I possess and love to use) but it's killing me that he's on his own this time. I told him he'd be living with boxes for two years. He said, "No, not two years…maybe two months though." 

Thank you to all the people who have brought a meal over or sent me a card or a gift to cheer me up. I appreciate all of you SO MUCH!!! I am terrible at writing thank you's right now and hope you will forgive me if I just give you this shout out instead!!

Here's a picture of me with the little jolly guy! Cartie and Payton came to visit me last week!!

Love,

Kitt.

8-12-14 Hello Again

Well, I'll admit it. This is a total boredom post. I am tired, tired, tired but have slept, slept, slept. I've watched TV, read, played my phone/ipad games. I'm just ready for some entertainment that I can just lay here and enjoy.

Here is a picture of me getting ready to head out to Chemo #2 with my Chemo Buddy, Grant. I was not quite as excited to go as it may appear in this picture, though!! Loy says to notice the death grip I have on my phone--no one was taking that away from me this time!!!! :)

Grant was kind of funny during the treatment and the shot the next day. He would look around the room and say, "Wonder what they're in for?" or "She has low platelets." (He got that from shameless eavesdropping.) But, I often find myself wondering "Which one is the patient?" when a couple comes in. Unfortunately, it's not usually too hard to tell.

Last week I posted my picture of me in a hat. Well, our little Sweet Paytootie loves the book "Go Dog Go." ("Do you like my hat?" "Oh, no I do not." "Good bye." "Good bye.") So when she saw that picture, she was pretty sure that Grammy was going to a dog party!! Much more fun than chemo, I'm sure!!

Loy made me laugh this week…he actually went and bought shares of Sonic stock--just because that is what is sounding good to me just about every afternoon. (If I get through this without major dental work due to cavities from all the slushes, it'll be a miracle!) So far it's gone up $1 a share!!! We're gonna be rich, I tell you!!!  :)

I was telling people that I didn't want to "jinx" it, but that I was feeling better this time than last on the corresponding day. But, then I got to thinking about that. If I'm worried about jinxing something, doesn't that negate my belief that prayer is what made the difference? So, I've decided to just say that I am so thankful that God has blessed me with better energy and appetite this time. I even cooked part of these supper last night!! That was NOT happening last Chemo session!!

Here's a link to a song that I just love. I can't say I totally live this way, but I want to. Hope you like it too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-p8T7InfHw

Thankful for the meals that have come our way, friends who call me or send me cards, magazines to distract me, cool weather, crazed dogs, a hard-working hubby.

Love,

Kitt.

8-3-14 Getting' My Game Face On

It's kind of hard to describe just what chemotherapy feels like. The actual Chemo Day is not too bad, really. First, head off to the lab for bloodwork. Then a quick visit with the doctor. Then you go into The Room--a big, airy room with lots of recliners and four little rooms off the the side. (Since I'm a long-term resident, at eight hours, I get a room. Yippee!!) And very nice nurses.

They hook you up and then give you all sorts of wonderful drugs that keep you from throwing up or keep you from getting anxious, then they slip in the "Big Guns" here and there, the drugs that are meant to kill all the cancer. I really never feel too bad this day.

The next week is the time to contemplate the couch. Pure exhaustion sets in. The kind that makes it feel like it's too much work to sit at the table to eat. All the anti-nausea drugs keep your tummy feeling strange, not a terrible feeling, but a not normal and not really nice feeling.

After about a week to ten days there is a day of "Hmmm. I might feel somewhat better." And each day is just a little bit better. Then…just when you're thinking that church is do-able or that you can make a quick trip to Home Goods (this shows my priorities, right?) it's time to start over again. With the prophecy that each time gets a little bit more.

So, it's not with fun emotions that I announce that next Wednesday is my 2nd Chemo Day. I dread it. But, when it's done I can say I am 33% done (thanks, Debbie, for looking at it that way!)

We had Luke last weekend. Originally we had a trip to Storm Lake, Iowa, scheduled for the whole family, but had to cancel that. I am not sure who was sadder about that--Luke or Grant. So, Loy took Luke up to Sioux Falls to see everyone up there. They go-karted, laser tagged, ate giant donuts, played video games. Everything a boy and Luke would hope for!!!  It was a wonderful 24 hours!! I asked Luke, when they returned, "What was the best part?" His answer? "Every. Single. Minute." I'm sure Grant agreed.

I had told Luke I would show him my bald head if he wanted. If he didn't want to see it, I would not. So when he got here I said, "Do you want to see my head?" "No, not really…but if you really want to show me…" I took that to mean that he was kind of interested but thought it might be creepy. It's a lot of things, but I don't think "creepy" is one of them. So I said, "How about I just show you real quick, then you'll know and not have to wonder?" So he agreed. He was very sweet. Then I said, "Want to see me in some wigs?" (Lex had brought me two wigs.) I had Luke close his eyes then put on Wig #1. Luke said, "I'm not feelin' it." Then Wig #2: "OK, now you're creeping me out. But I like your scarf." Guess he's not a big fan of me as a blonde!!

This week my friend, Dawn, from Sioux Falls, came down for a couple days. It was so good to see her. We sat around and watched "America's Got Talent" (my new vice!) and did a little shopping. (Loy says my stamina is w-a-y down. I can only make it to two carefully selected stores, then have to go home.) Dawn inspired me to buy some yarn to make an afghan. And she brought a yummy supper. And she gave Loy a much deserved reprieve from doing the dishes. It was a very fun little interlude!! Thanks, Dawn!

So, if you happen to think of me in the next few days, and want to pray, here are some ideas…

1. Pray that God will once again spare me from nausea. Pharmaceuticals are great, but God is the one working through them.

2. White blood counts are normally between 4,000 and 10,000. That first week, mine fell to 580. That means I am very vulnerable to infection during that time. Pray they don't go any lower than that. That they would rebound quickly.

3. Last time I had a sore throat for a week in there. I am praying that was an actual infection, not a side effect. My thinking is that if it was an infection, it won't happen again and I may feel a bit better during days 5-10 or so.

4. Pray I would have some food that sounds good and that I can eat. I really struggled to eat last time and I felt all the weaker because of that.

There you have it. My life in a nutshell. The excitement that is my life. I think I'll go lay on the couch now.

Love,

Kitt.

Today I made my first visit to church since treatment began. I have a theory on fashion. If you hold your head high and wear things (like hats) with confidence and a smile, people think you are cutting edge, not just some crazy lady with a thing for hats.  :)

7-26-14 Little Bit a 'Dis…Little Bit of 'Dat...

It's Saturday. Post Chemo Day #10. I have become totally self-absorbed and self-centered and self-aware. The leather couch is my cocoon. Maybe my skin is morphing into leather...

When I think back over the past 10 days, there was not one day that was 100% horrible. One day that I thought, "This is the worst I've ever felt in my life." But, on the whole, it has been a terrible draining few days.

I got a sore throat on Monday or so. I told the nurse when I was in for my pretty much daily blood draw. She was not a nurse I knew (or that I care to know!) She came out and said, "Well, if you'd read your notebook you'd know that's a side effect." End of story. Loy said later, "Boy, she was kind of scolding you, wasn't she???" Turned out they called me later in the day and said I should come in the next day for a bag of fluids. Take that, mean nurse!!!

I think it may have been from the sore throat, but about Tuesday my appetite just shut down. I didn't feel nauseous, just as not hungry. I would try to eat something and it was like eating with no saliva. Sawdust. I tried, but just could not do it.

By Thursday, I decided to give up totally on nutrition and just look for calories. Two yogurts, an apple, half a DQ ice cream (you know things are bad when you can't finish ice cream!), a little dab of chicken and rice. I viewed this day as a success. By now I was unable to take pills because they were sticking on the way down and choking me!!! Not fun!!

Yesterday I mentioned the sore throat again to a nicer nurse. She looked at my throat and said, "Yes, it is really quite red and swollen." She talked with the doctor and they think it will heal on its own now that my blood is good again, so that's a great sign.  So, yesterday I ate a whole 1/2 cup or so of lasagna! And half a hamburger. This morning I ate almost a whole blueberry pancake!! YAY!! My throat is still not normal, but on the way. Stupid nurse.

I weighed myself today, though, and if I can't put 5 pounds on in the next 10 days or so I think they'll yell at me!!!

On Tuesday I went to bed at 6:00 p.m. I can't believe it!!! It was so light outside. I fell right asleep, then kept waking up and it was still light. Finally I thought, "Ok, this cannot be. I must've slept through the night and it is 8:00 a.m." Nope. 8:00 p.m. Not a very restful night of sleep. Next chemo I'm going to try to always stay awake until at least 9:00.

NEW MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH…FINANCIAL TIP…MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS BY FOLLOWING MY ADVICE HERE!!!

Through all this, there has been one staple in my diet that has gotten me through. One healing balm drink that has invigorated and quenched…Sonic limeades. I have been getting one of these every single day and loving every juicy gulp. I did branch out last night and got a lemon slush instead and I think it may have the same miraculous medical properties. BUY STOCK IN SONIC.

One other medical breakthrough that, while I cannot prove it, I have 100% assurance in it's healing properties…my brother, Den, has always made breading crumbs to die for. For years we would beg him to tell us the recipe to make his famous breading. He has always been stubborn, and would not divulge the secret formula. Finally he admitted that he doesn't have a recipe--he just throws whatever cracker crumbs he has leftover and they just sort of mix. (And, I don't know…he may add spices also?) I called him and said, "Den, I have cancer. Would you please send me some fish breading?" He quickly acquiesced, so yesterday my package of Den's Golden Healing Crumbs of Life arrived. Once I start dosing with these babies, I'll be cured. I am debating an internal dosage vs. just applying them directly over the cancerous spot…  :) Thanks, Den!!

Yesterday and today Loy and Luke went up to Sioux Falls, which required I have a "babysitter." So I asked two friends to split the shift.

Pam came for the day. We went to the doctor's office, got lunch, and then I sent here to the grocery store. She was kind of lamenting how hard it is to shop for someone else…guess what was the hardest decision for her to make??? Which rawhides to get the fur girls. She's been a friend for 30 years (really) and we don't get to see each other very often, even though we live in the same town, so it was fun to catch up with her. (And, Pam, I never finished telling you the story of that book…it is called "Seven" by Jen Hatmaker and it sounds an awful lot like your cousin and his wife to me. I think you'd like it.)

Then, around 5:00 Lisa came. She used to babysit the kids back in Kearney in the '80's. And she cleaned my house for me. So, when she came over I said, "Would you do a load or two of laundry?" She, of course agree, and I think it has turned into about twelve loads!!! She even ironed!! She has let the dogs out, let the dogs in, thrown the ball, cleaned the kitchen, made blueberry pancakes. She always was a great housekeeper--if her current job doesn't pan out she could always get a job as a personal assistant!!!

However, there is one fly in the Lisa ointment…last night I was sitting there in my jams--PJ pants and a lycra tank--and she said, "Kitt. These don't match." :) How many people would say that????

I am trying to NOT fight the restrictions on my daily life--like the restrictions that I not online shop or drive. I guess I do feel they are a little bit unnecessary. But, here is a transcript of a conversation with Lisa yesterday:

Me: I would like to go to Walgreens for some new makeup.
Lisa: Where is the closest one?
Me: At 48th and Huntington. Turn at the corner, then go to Huntington and turn right.
Lisa (when we arrive at Huntington): So I turn here?
Me: No, you have to go a few more blocks.

Me (as I realize we have just passed Huntington): Oh, I guess you should've turned there. Just go up to the next block and turn left.
Lisa: Turn left???
Me: Oh, no, I meant the other left--turn right!!!

Later last night, when I am trying to navigate her home by a back way:

Me: Turn left right after that stoplight.
Lisa (slowing to turn left BEFORE the stoplight).
Me: No, AFTER the light.
Lisa: So, when you said AFTER the light this time you meant it??

:)

Guess I won't drive for awhile.

I am blessed with so many wonderful friends. Really.

I did get my little head shaved on Thursday. Lori, my hairdresser, said that she could tell the hair was about to fall out, so I decided to take control and just do it. There is something almost empowering about that. So, we're wearing scarves and hats again. I got new make up last night, so I feel like a new person.

Ann just brought a wonderful supper over. And, guess what? I am eating!!! I was going to wait for Loy and Luke to return (in about an hour) but thought, "I have cancer. Why should I wait???" It tastes good. I may eat it again when they get home. YAY food!!! And, Ann, if I could get this recipe I would absolutely adore that…it may have to be added to my list of surprising health foods.

If you're in the mood to pray for me, here might be a few things:

1. That the sore throat would totally heal. (It is better today than yesterday, so that does seem to be happening.)

2. That my GI problems would cease.

3. That I could gain 5 pounds back so the doctor's office would never need to know…

4. That the next chemo session would be better tolerated by me--I think if I didn't get the sore throat maybe it all would've been more manageable.

 
Killing me to NOT be up there where this is what's happening!!!!! But I am so glad that Luke finally got to met Carter. Carter obviously love, love, loves Luke!!!

Talk to you soon!

Love,

Kitt.