8-24-14 Real Life

Hello Again!

I always like to send an update right before a new chemo treatment--for those of you who pray, I don't want you to forget me!!! Tuesday is THE day. I struggle after each session to NOT keep dreading the next one, but to enjoy the days that I feel good. Gets harder and harder…

In my mind I would like my prayers to be something like this:

Oh, Lord Jehovah, Father of the Universe, Creator of All: Thou knowest what is the best for me and I am totally ready to accept your will. I know it will be-est the greatest thing ever.


In reality, my prayers sound like this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOO, God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Deep,  huh? But as I lay (lie?) there at night, awake and thinking the "What if's" or the "But next…" or the "I can't do this" I become pretty basic in my prayers. Carry me through this next treatment…and the next…and the next… Help the surgeon get every speck of cancer out of my body… Give me a long life after that… It's not fair… I'm jealous of that Grammy getting to spend lots of time with her grand babies .. I am not really trusting God to do what's best. I am pretty sure that I know what's best and that it does not involve me seeing God face to face for years and years…

So, why can't I totally trust God? When I analyze that I believe it is because, deep down, I am doubting the goodness of God. He will do what He wants with no thought to what is best to me--that thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is best for me. 

Here are some verses I found to back up my "God is Good Theory:"

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” -Psalm 145:9


“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” - Psalm 100:5

“And now, O Lord God, you are God, and your words are true, and you have promised this good thing to your servant.” -2 Samuel 7:28

“He says, 'See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands' (Isaiah 49:16).


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." 1 Chron. 16:34

"I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." Psalm 13:6

"Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord, for heis good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 106:1

This is not something I've mastered…in fact, far from it. But, at night when those scary thoughts hit me I have been saying (out loud, or whispering, depending on whether Loy is sleeping!) "God is good. Jesus is good." Sometimes I think it helps to say things out loud so that you actually hear them and they become ingrained in your mind. This is one of those things that my head has believed for quite awhile, but it's harder to get it down to my heart, to the very core of my being. 

This past chemo was much better than the first one. God answered our prayers for that!!! I am so thankful!! For this next time, please pray:

1. That I would continue to get through this with no nausea. 

2.  That I would make it through the hard first 5 days or so. Those days I am fatigued to the utmost and I get lightheaded every time I get up, which makes being home alone tricky!! I'm not sure if it's a result of the chemo or the anti-nausea drugs, but something makes my head spin!!

3. That my blood would stay stronger--it bottoms out at the one week mark. That makes me feel even more fatigued and very susceptible to infections.

4. That I could maintain an appetite again. It's hard to make yourself eat when everything sounds ick! (Want to hear something totally sad? One of the drugs makes it so you cannot taste food properly. I cannot taste chocolate!!!!!! This side effect is supposed to go away when chemo is over--I sure hope so!!)

On a non-cancer-related note, my baby, my Paul, is en route to a new life in Arlington, TX. Out of the blue he got a call from the University of Texas-Arlington offering him a job in the Sports Information Department, which he accepted with much excitement. He will be in charge of stats and press releases and media guides for volleyball and baseball. I have ALWAYS helped him move in to his new apartments (a mad skill that I possess and love to use) but it's killing me that he's on his own this time. I told him he'd be living with boxes for two years. He said, "No, not two years…maybe two months though." 

Thank you to all the people who have brought a meal over or sent me a card or a gift to cheer me up. I appreciate all of you SO MUCH!!! I am terrible at writing thank you's right now and hope you will forgive me if I just give you this shout out instead!!

Here's a picture of me with the little jolly guy! Cartie and Payton came to visit me last week!!

Love,

Kitt.

8-12-14 Hello Again

Well, I'll admit it. This is a total boredom post. I am tired, tired, tired but have slept, slept, slept. I've watched TV, read, played my phone/ipad games. I'm just ready for some entertainment that I can just lay here and enjoy.

Here is a picture of me getting ready to head out to Chemo #2 with my Chemo Buddy, Grant. I was not quite as excited to go as it may appear in this picture, though!! Loy says to notice the death grip I have on my phone--no one was taking that away from me this time!!!! :)

Grant was kind of funny during the treatment and the shot the next day. He would look around the room and say, "Wonder what they're in for?" or "She has low platelets." (He got that from shameless eavesdropping.) But, I often find myself wondering "Which one is the patient?" when a couple comes in. Unfortunately, it's not usually too hard to tell.

Last week I posted my picture of me in a hat. Well, our little Sweet Paytootie loves the book "Go Dog Go." ("Do you like my hat?" "Oh, no I do not." "Good bye." "Good bye.") So when she saw that picture, she was pretty sure that Grammy was going to a dog party!! Much more fun than chemo, I'm sure!!

Loy made me laugh this week…he actually went and bought shares of Sonic stock--just because that is what is sounding good to me just about every afternoon. (If I get through this without major dental work due to cavities from all the slushes, it'll be a miracle!) So far it's gone up $1 a share!!! We're gonna be rich, I tell you!!!  :)

I was telling people that I didn't want to "jinx" it, but that I was feeling better this time than last on the corresponding day. But, then I got to thinking about that. If I'm worried about jinxing something, doesn't that negate my belief that prayer is what made the difference? So, I've decided to just say that I am so thankful that God has blessed me with better energy and appetite this time. I even cooked part of these supper last night!! That was NOT happening last Chemo session!!

Here's a link to a song that I just love. I can't say I totally live this way, but I want to. Hope you like it too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-p8T7InfHw

Thankful for the meals that have come our way, friends who call me or send me cards, magazines to distract me, cool weather, crazed dogs, a hard-working hubby.

Love,

Kitt.

8-3-14 Getting' My Game Face On

It's kind of hard to describe just what chemotherapy feels like. The actual Chemo Day is not too bad, really. First, head off to the lab for bloodwork. Then a quick visit with the doctor. Then you go into The Room--a big, airy room with lots of recliners and four little rooms off the the side. (Since I'm a long-term resident, at eight hours, I get a room. Yippee!!) And very nice nurses.

They hook you up and then give you all sorts of wonderful drugs that keep you from throwing up or keep you from getting anxious, then they slip in the "Big Guns" here and there, the drugs that are meant to kill all the cancer. I really never feel too bad this day.

The next week is the time to contemplate the couch. Pure exhaustion sets in. The kind that makes it feel like it's too much work to sit at the table to eat. All the anti-nausea drugs keep your tummy feeling strange, not a terrible feeling, but a not normal and not really nice feeling.

After about a week to ten days there is a day of "Hmmm. I might feel somewhat better." And each day is just a little bit better. Then…just when you're thinking that church is do-able or that you can make a quick trip to Home Goods (this shows my priorities, right?) it's time to start over again. With the prophecy that each time gets a little bit more.

So, it's not with fun emotions that I announce that next Wednesday is my 2nd Chemo Day. I dread it. But, when it's done I can say I am 33% done (thanks, Debbie, for looking at it that way!)

We had Luke last weekend. Originally we had a trip to Storm Lake, Iowa, scheduled for the whole family, but had to cancel that. I am not sure who was sadder about that--Luke or Grant. So, Loy took Luke up to Sioux Falls to see everyone up there. They go-karted, laser tagged, ate giant donuts, played video games. Everything a boy and Luke would hope for!!!  It was a wonderful 24 hours!! I asked Luke, when they returned, "What was the best part?" His answer? "Every. Single. Minute." I'm sure Grant agreed.

I had told Luke I would show him my bald head if he wanted. If he didn't want to see it, I would not. So when he got here I said, "Do you want to see my head?" "No, not really…but if you really want to show me…" I took that to mean that he was kind of interested but thought it might be creepy. It's a lot of things, but I don't think "creepy" is one of them. So I said, "How about I just show you real quick, then you'll know and not have to wonder?" So he agreed. He was very sweet. Then I said, "Want to see me in some wigs?" (Lex had brought me two wigs.) I had Luke close his eyes then put on Wig #1. Luke said, "I'm not feelin' it." Then Wig #2: "OK, now you're creeping me out. But I like your scarf." Guess he's not a big fan of me as a blonde!!

This week my friend, Dawn, from Sioux Falls, came down for a couple days. It was so good to see her. We sat around and watched "America's Got Talent" (my new vice!) and did a little shopping. (Loy says my stamina is w-a-y down. I can only make it to two carefully selected stores, then have to go home.) Dawn inspired me to buy some yarn to make an afghan. And she brought a yummy supper. And she gave Loy a much deserved reprieve from doing the dishes. It was a very fun little interlude!! Thanks, Dawn!

So, if you happen to think of me in the next few days, and want to pray, here are some ideas…

1. Pray that God will once again spare me from nausea. Pharmaceuticals are great, but God is the one working through them.

2. White blood counts are normally between 4,000 and 10,000. That first week, mine fell to 580. That means I am very vulnerable to infection during that time. Pray they don't go any lower than that. That they would rebound quickly.

3. Last time I had a sore throat for a week in there. I am praying that was an actual infection, not a side effect. My thinking is that if it was an infection, it won't happen again and I may feel a bit better during days 5-10 or so.

4. Pray I would have some food that sounds good and that I can eat. I really struggled to eat last time and I felt all the weaker because of that.

There you have it. My life in a nutshell. The excitement that is my life. I think I'll go lay on the couch now.

Love,

Kitt.

Today I made my first visit to church since treatment began. I have a theory on fashion. If you hold your head high and wear things (like hats) with confidence and a smile, people think you are cutting edge, not just some crazy lady with a thing for hats.  :)